Having a mixed state episode.

Mixed episodes are defined by symptoms of mania and depression that occur at the same time or in rapid sequence without recovery in between.

This may seem impossible to anyone that has never experienced this. How can someone be manic and depressed at the same time? The high energy of mania with the despair of depression. I can see why that wouldn’t make sense to none suffers.

People experience bipolar differently. As someone once described to me it’s like your own fingerprint. Unique to each individual.

Today I am suffering a mixed state episode.The mixed episodes are the worst. The most unpredictable and the ones I find difficult to explain.my mind and body are so confused today. Hear is what mixed state is for me.

I woke up early this morning, a little after 6am. It was after 4am by the time I’d dropped off to sleep but I felt refreshed despite only sleeping two hours. Despite feeling refreshed and ready for the day my first thought was. ” I wonder if anyone would miss me if I was to never wake up” then the sadness came. The overwhelming sadness that hits your entire body. I’m sure I can physically feel my heart hurting. I dont know why I feel so sad but the feeling is real. I curl myself up in a ball pull the duvet over my head and cry. I cry so hard my body shakes I cry for no other reason than I’m alive today.

I’m not sure how long I remained under my duvet. My eyes are swollen and sting so much they hurt and the sadness has left me feeling tired. I’m emotionally tired. Emotionally tired because physically I have an overwhelming urge to get out my bed.

I cant sit down any longer I need to move I need to walk/run jump anything but sit. I throw the first items of clothing I grab on I’m ready to start the day.

My daughter is late up today it’s not like her. ” oh my god she is dead” sheer panic has set in now. I cant physically move. I’m frozen to the spot and all I can say is “oh no” over and over again. I work myself up so much I can no longer breath. Shaking uncontrollably, I cant shout out for help nothing is coming out my mouth apart from “oh no” despite me screaming in my head “help me!”. I cant get enough air. I can feel pins and needles over my entire body. “This is it I’m going to die!”

It’s the footsteps coming down the steps that bring me to. Its my daughter coming down for breakfast. “She is ok” “she is not dead”. I’m unbelievably overwhelmed just to see her little face this morning I feel like the luckiest person in the world being her mum. I hug her so tight I struggle to let her go despite her trying to squirm herself out of my grip.

“What will I do if something were to happen to her?” “what if she gets run over?” “What if someone kidnaps her? OH MY GOD HOW WILL SHE COPE IF SOMEONE TAKES HER?

The tears appear once more. My thoughts are constant thoughts of ways she might come to harm and I can do nothing to stop them. I feel a sense off loss. I feel the grief of losing my daughter even though she is sat in the same room as me and I’ve not lost her. The feeling is real. grief has a hold on me in just the same way.

I don’t understand what happend to time from there. The past few hours are a complete blank. It’s like I’ve visited a place of emptiness. A place where you can’t even feel your own presence. Like when you awake from sleep and haven’t dreamed. Your awake and then its day. I wasnt asleep I know that much. It’s a feeling I cant describe when you loose time. All of a sudden you come back to reality. I feel confused and disorientated.

I try to get through the day the best I can. My moods and emotions are so rapidly changing sometimes within just minutes I cant focus on anything. I cant take anything in. My anxiety is that high I’m freezing cold but I’m excessively sweating. I gasp for air because my brain is so confused I forget to breath. I feel so light headed and nauseous because I just keep forgetting to breath.

“What’s that you say”? Confused looks in my direction “I didnt say anything”🤔 I can hear the voices now. I normally only Suffer with auditory hallucination while I’m in a manic state. The voice is hear again now though. The voice I hear is of not one I can recognise but it is always the same voice I hear. It’s not a voice in my head. He is loud and clear. He is in the same room. The voice is as real as if it was an actual person talking to me. I dont understand why no one else can hear him. That is how clear the voice is. “Karen” “karen” he calls out my name. Over and over again. I really dig deep within to block him out. I just want some peice but still the voice calls my name. The voice now is nearer as if a person was sat at my side. The more I try to block it out the more frustrated the voice becomes. “Why haven’t you managed to kill yourself yet?” “Your pathetic, you can’t even do that right” “why dont you try now”? Go on do it. “Hang yourself from the garden tree” “your a burden to your family” this just some of what the voice says to me and encourages me to do. I place my hands over my ears and can do nothing but rock. I cry and cry and cry. I cry so hard I loose all controle weeping outloud. Please go away. Please just stop.

I honestly cant describe what it feels like to be in a mixed phase. There is not a feeling attached to it that I can relate it to. The changes in mood and emotion are so rapid and happen so fast that it’s hard to know just what I’m feeling. Sometimes I dont even have chance to try recognise the mood or emotion because it changes before I can even think about it. I have experienced mixed phrased episodes from each side. The feeling of being manic and having depressive episodes is entirely different to being depressed with manic episodes. Today I think I have depressive episodes with mania, along with symptoms of eupd. I’m not too sure I just know I’ve cried alot. The suicidal ideation has at times been so dominant today it’s taken over at times. But it’s the early hours now and I’m proud I’ve made it this far. I’m still hear I’m still winning. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I don’t know when this phase will pass or even if I’ll have strength left to fight it again tomorrow.

a common misconception about bipolar disorder is that a person with the diagnosis only experiences two distinct moods: either really high highs (mania), or really low lows (depression). Its so very much more than that and can even cause a sufferer like I myself have experienced to have even psychotic episodes. It’s easy for people that have a none diagnosis to be ignorant to just how servear our disorder is. At just how poorly we can become.

It’s taken me four hours to write this post. I’ve had to take many breaks until a mood shifts or the tears stop. Today has been not just a fight but a war I’ve had to face. I am mentally emotionally a physically exhausted and drained. I don’t know if I’ve anything left in me to get through the night if I’m not able to sleep soon. All I can do is take each five minutes at a time. That’s all I can manage for now. Days like today when every single minute has just been hard, when mental health has its hold on me over powering me and taken complete control. I can’t help but wonder how much more I have to face/battle/fight before giving up is okay.

This is just a very small part of my mixed state episode. I spend this phase in so much confusion i have no idea what I’m even doing for most of it, often because I forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it. I could go to the lavatory and sit until my legs are dead because I’ve forgotten to get off it when done. So much confusion i can’t remember simple things. I can’t even tell you my name. This is only A tiny glimpse into what a mixed state episode is for me. If you experience mixed state episodes yourself I salute you. You or a warrior.

AM I SELFISH TO WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE BOTH OF ME?

Kaz…

Kaz it hypermanic me. A social butterfly. Nothing is too much for her. She engages gets involved and is always interested in what others has to say. Kaz loves affection and loves to stay close to loved ones. Kaz is spontaneous and loves adventure. Kaz has a great sense of humor and doesn’t take anything to heart. Kaz loves to be out the house visiting people, shopping, eating out. Kaz is a great listener, understanding and supportive. Kaz will put those she loves above anyone else or anything including herself.

KAREN.

Karen is depressed me. an introvert. Karen doesn’t like company and avoids it at all costs. Karen doesn’t pick up the phone she doesn’t like to talk. Karen doesn’t like anyone near hear and finds it hard to be touched. Karen needs someone to hold her and tell her it’s ok. Karen isn’t interested in what people have to say. Karen doesn’t like to go outside and cuts herself off from the world. Karen is quiet Karen is sad. Karen doesn’t feel anything else but emptiness.

To love me for who I am that means I’m asking someone to love both of me. Two separate versions of who I am. How can I ask that of anyone? Is it selfish of me to want this love? To want a person to love the sad me. The version of me that I dont like. Is there even such a person out there in the world that is capable of doing this. My partner loves kaz but has absolutely no tolerance for Karen and has made it very clear an told me very bluntly he will not entertain that part of me and wants nothing to do with it. I dont blame him. I don’t resent him for it. He is struggling himself at the moment and has his own battles to fight. I don’t know if I’d be able to love someone like me I think that’s why I don’t mind. I’ve learnt to just keep my distance when Karen appears and get back in touch when kaz is about again.

It makes the life of Karen a very lonely place to be. No one turn to, no one to lean on. No one to help me back up again when I fall.

I cant help wonder though if I deserve more. or am I just being selfish? What right do I have to ask for more when only one of me can love back. Kaz loves intensely yet Karen doesn’t feel anything. So do I deserve for Karen to be loved too because karen cant give anything in return.

Is this the reality for us that suffer with servear mental health. Is this just another of lifes blows we have to deal with? I’d like to think people are capable of loving us for just the way we are. But I cant help wonder if it’s a selfish thing to ask for.

THE HARSH REALITY I’VE YET TO COME TO TERMS WITH. “I HAVE MORE THAN ONE DIAGNOSIS” 🥺

So not only do I have a diagnosis of affective bipolar disorder. A little less than twelve months ago while I was hospitalised under the mental health act. I was given the diagnosis of EUPD Emotional Unstable personality disorder. Also known as borderline personality disorder. I’ve absaluty no idea why there are two diffrent titles but I’m under the belief they are the same.

Having a dual diagnosis is not something I’ve been able to come to terms yet because well for a start for me nothing had changed to lead me to the second diagnosis I was still just me the only version of me I knew.

When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2013. It was really easy for me to accept and come to terms with. Once I did my own research into bipolar everything started to make sence. Starting medication It didnt take me long to start feeling diffrent. It was the first time in my life from as far back as I remember what I felt like to not… erm how can I say this? to not every day be so erratic and impulsive or even just so fast paced.

Now i realise that my bipolar symptoms were more extreme than the eupd symptoms and I understand how they were over shadowed and masked. I had just finally got to a place in my recovery where I accepted it for what it was. I’ve always been very open about being bipolar. I’m not ashamed of it and I dont make an effort to hide it. I’d come to the terms with the fact I’ll always feel a little unstable. My days will be unpredictable and the mood of that day will dominate it. I really belived that this was what it was to live with bipolar…

Well that just cant be it for me can it? Not only do I have a diagnosis that is a mood disorder i also have a diagnosis that’s a personality disorder. Not only do I have to cope with the major shift in my moods I have to learn to deal with the intense emotions the quick changes and some times uncontrollable emotions that I have with it.  I cant help but feel like life has dealt me a shit hand. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve sat many a times and thought “why me?”

I’ve had two hospital admissions because both diagnosis have been present. The manic episode that is bipolar sparked with the suicidal tendencies of eupd well its not a feeling I could even begin to describe. Your mood does not match your actions and emotions. It came to the point I was so extremely intensely excited that I was going to kill myself I just couldnt wait. I felt like i was going to burst. It felt like a 5yr old feels layed in bed Christmas eve. I am so thankful I had yet another shift in mood before I managed to carry it out. If I hadn’t of realised I could not keep myself safe and out of harm at the very point I did. Well I wouldn’t be hear today.

My personal experience of eupd is I feel emotions very intensely deep within me. If I feel a dominant emotion such as hurt it will take over my entire bein and consume me. I can’t feel more than one emotion at a time because of the way an emotion takes over. Sometimes they are so intense it leaves me with nothing but guilt and shame. My emotions quickly shift with my surroundings with a innocent word I’ve misinterpreted or how someone has said something that’s left me feeling worthless.

Fighting both bipolar and eupd is exhausting. Physically, mentally and emotionally. My brain constantly contradicts its self. Now correct me if I’m wrong but I was under the assumption emotion came from a part of your brain. The way my brain works is it will trigger said emotions then tell me I’m wrong. One part of my brain triggering an emotion  yet another part of my brain will give me the wrong feeling for that emotion. It’s hard for even me to keep up. I think my brain is just wired all wrong.
An example of my emotions are the way I feel intense love for my partner. It’s so intense and deep it scares me. A single thought of a life without him (even though now we live separatly but that’s another story) brings me great sadness and can trigger a depressive eposode. Yet my bipolar brain and the intrusive thoughts will tell me he is, let’s just stay polite and say not nice.

I’ve done alot of research on dule diagnosis of the two being present together and I’ve had great difficulty finding anything. I’ve found hundreds of articles on bipolar vs bpd and the difference between the two. but very few on what it is to have both. I don’t know if it’s common. I dont know if my experience relates to anyone else. I think its because of my lack of knowledge and education that I’m not at a place of acceptance.

I have no idea if this article will make sense to anyone as it’s hard for me to get my head round it all. however I’d really appreciate it if there is anyone reading this at all that can point me I the right direction to learn some Info. I’d be ever so grateful.

YET ANOTHER NIGHT OF NO SLEEP.

Its 6am now and I’ve given up all hope of sleep. Insomnia you win yet again. It’s been 72hrs since I awoke from my last sleep 72 long hours of the inability to even keep my eyes closed.

I can only imagine how this must sound so unbelievable to a person that has not experienced chronic insomnia, “surly you’ve had some sleep right? I myself am amazed at how it’s even possible to stay awake for as long as I do. Insomnia is that one demon I can just not defeat. The demon that leaves me so tired in the morning from fighting him the night before.

I’ve tried every single possible thing to win this fight and yet hear i am its 6am and it’s been 72hrs since sleep. I choose not to take sleeping medication anymore. Sleeping medication for me will only work at a high dose and only when sleep has been absent for a few days. If it has been less the medication just relaxes me and makes me feel so drugged up. If I do sleep with medication I suffer rebound insomnia as soon as I take it no more.

Insomnia is my demon that robs me every single night. Robs my sleep, my peice, insomnia robs me of dreams.

Its incredibley lonley being awake through the night. The house is so still and peaceful and the world outside has some eaary feel to it when the world goes to sleep. No lights from the houses on the street shine, no traffic going bye just a complete stillness and you can smell the crispness of the night air. While everyone sleeps at night all I can do is wait the darkness out until the sun begins to shine again.

I’ve come downstairs and there are lots on the sink from last nights tea, the floor needs a sweep and the side needs a mop but “I’m just too tired to go it today” I dont want to look at the mess so retreat into the living room. There are toys on the floor cushions been thrown and dirty clothes lay on the chair. But “I’m too tired to do it today” all I was too tired to do yesterday has left me just “too tired to do it today”

My body feels weak now my eyes are so dry, my thoughts are becoming muddled. It’s been 72 longs hours since sleep and I can feel the physical effects my body is crying out JUST SLEEP. but when I lay my head in complete exhaustion I can feel sleep is near. Insomnia whispers in my ear “just kidding I’m still hear”

Today will be a struggle, today will be long and every task is going to take alot of effort. The only wish I have for today is sleep will come tonight.

THE THINGS I NEVER TALK ABOUT OR SAY OUT LOUD.

There are so many things I keep to myself. Things about my condition I never talk about. I wouldn’t even know how to start up a conversation about them. Some things I want to say but its easier just to keep it all to myself rather than try help anyone understand. It was easy to get a few of these things down in text form but it hasn’t been easy building up the courage to post. But I’m feeling brave today so hear goes.

My symptoms scare me.


There is nothing that scares me more than how rapid my mood can change. Its unpredictability in the way it switches. The Times I do recognise the shift scares me still because I know all too well what’s to come. When I start to feel my world around me crumbling I know I’m going to have to fight my demons. The emptiness I feel deep inside me like a switch to my feelings has been switched off. I know when this happens I’m going to visit the darkest parts of depression. The thoughts and feelings I know are coming once I’m there. I wonder if it’s possible to die from sadness I’ll feel.
The fear of mania can sometimes consume me. The consequences of my actions I have to face when I become so manic I self destruct . How exhausted I know it’s going to leave me.
It scares me each night I go to bed never knowing what tomorrows mood will be.


I HAVE GIVEN UP ON MYSELF MORE TIMES THAN ANYONE ELSE COULD.


I am fully aware of how I’m difficult to be around at times. How hard it must be for those around me to have patience. I understand how it is quite easy for other people just get fed up of me at times and get tired of me, God I’m tired of me too. Hearing those two little words from a person I love “I’m done” cuts me like a knife. Those two words hurt my soul. It doesn’t matter if they are said out of frustration because I’ve had a lot of bad days or if its said in the heat of the moment because we are having a row. It hurts all the same. It makes me feel like I’m all alone in the world. It makes me feel that I’m better off alone, because how can I make anyone happy when they have to put up with my symptoms of bipolar. Relationships shouldn’t be hard work.


I don’t need a reason to be upset (in any mood)


If I knew why i felt the way I do, i would try to fix it. If I’m upset there is a reason even if it makes no sense to anyone else that feeling is real to me. It makes it so much worse when people ask me why I’m crying why I’m upset and then tell me I’m being silly, oh stop it now, that’s pathetic. This just makes the crying worse. My feelings are my own. I cant help what makes me upset but I wish people would understand that I’m feeling it anyway its real.

I’m completely normal.


Bipolar does not define me. I’m still a person. I’m not broken. I might feel things more deeply than other people but I have feelings all the same. I might face different challenges and need medication to keep me stable but that doesn’t mean I’m crazy.


I find it offensive when people casually refer to things as bipolar.


I’m far too familiar of when things are said to be bipolar. Its offensive.
I.e. I went bipolar shopping. (A phrase I’ve heard when a person has splurged impulsively) We all splurge from time to time and not people who only have bipolar over spend or buy things of no use. Don’t label me with that. Every time I go shopping I go having bipolar. It doesn’t matter what my cycle is at. I don’t have a day off from it I live it every day. That doesn’t mean that every time I shop I’m spending erratic. I can shop the same as anyone else.
“Look at the weather it’s so bipolar.
No that’s your complete ignorance and lack of understanding to what it really is to have bipolar. An uneducated opinion that being bipolar means you are either up or down happy or sad.

Hyper manic me vs post manic me.

Hyper manic me.

It’s a beautiful day, I’m in the best mood ever. I’m so happy nothing can bring me down. My view on everything is positive. My house could burn down and I’d be like “it’s a great time to decorate and start from new” I’m so productive and creative. Let’s open a shop selling made to order crochet items. Advertise all over the internet. I can make money out of this. Crochet is something I’m really good at. Let’s buy every single thing I need to cover every single order I might get, in every single colour possible. I’m active on social media commenting on posts engaging in conversations. Checking up on people making sure they are okey. I will talk to a complete and utter stranger at the bus stop as if they are someone I’ve known for years. My attention to detail of the world around me is extreme. I can achieve anything nothing is impossible.

POST MANIC ME.

Why has my card been declined I’ve not long been paid. How on earth am i going to get these orders finished and posted in time shit they have been paid for and the timeframe I’ve given is unrealistic. What are all these parcels turning up at my door and what do I even need this for. Who the fuck is Mary texting my phone inviting me round for a brew🤣🤣